Communication is the most important ingredient in a good relationship. It is also the most misunderstood. Let me share the four essentials of good communication that will promote closeness and love in your relationship.

l) Create an atmosphere of caring.

The statement “We need to talk” is threatening to most. The message foreshadows trouble and unpleasant, dreaded arguments. Avoid openings that portend hurtful outcomes. Give word signals that indicate to your partner that talking is going to be a positive process, not a battle.

Start by creating a sharing, caring mood; maybe suggest a stroll or a Sunday morning picnic. Choose “I” sentences not “You” terms. “Darling, I feel we need a little talking time to better understand what’s going between us. I am not sure I understand the message you wish to convey. I’d like to have this conversation without blaming each other, just focusing on our feelings so we can be closer. What do you think?

2) Winning doesn’t work.

If you simply go through the exercise to nail your partner and show how wrong he or she is - forget the process. Before you start talking think about what it is you wish to communicate. Are you truly trying to understand your partner better or simply want to prove that it is all the other’s fault? If you use the occasion just to express your anger, it’s counter productive. You’re seeking common ground, a new connection to each other. Instead write down ten ways to make each other feel more loved and then exchange the lists. Each day review it together. I guarantee your loving feelings for each other will grow.

3) Don’t use words to deceive your partner.

Good communicating is sharing your feelings, not just revealing the thoughts going through your head. Using talk to create fabrications, exaggerations or feelings of guilt in your partner is not communicating; but simply manipulating. False and misleading statements undermine any relationship. In time it becomes apparent that you don’t mean what you say. When your words don’t match your actions they loose their meaning. You loose credibility and the trust between you is broken. Without trust relationships cannot flourish.

4) Learning to listen actively.

Often couples make believe that they are listening to each other while they are thinking about different subjects or preparing their counter arguments. In fact, they don’t hear. Wanting to hear starts with listening actively and without prejudice to your partner’s message. A good way to assure you’re hearing the right message is to repeat or mirror to what you’ve just learned to make sure you’re actually understanding the needs and ideas your partner expressed. Truly hearing is a most precious gift of love. It will enrich every day of your lives together.