My wife attended night classes with a former work mate and friend. He is really good-looking and so is she. On the last night of class together, I followed them to a bar. After they came out, she gave him a big hug.

They drove down a dark road and parked in a poorly-lit small park. I couldn't see what they were doing, but I can only imagine. Forty-five minutes later, they drove back to where she was parked and hugged. I couldn't tell if they kissed.

When my wife got home, she was very nervous. Later when we were in bed, I asked her if she went out and celebrated. She said no. I asked why she and her friends didn't go to a bar or do something. She said they got out late.

When I asked if our friend was there, she said he had to leave early. Every time I gave her a chance to tell me what she did, she lied and not only lied, but sounded sure about it. After a couple of hours of not being able to sleep, I woke her up. She again denied doing anything.

After a long silence, I told her I knew she was at the bar. She said, "Yes, I forgot, I had one drink and came right home." Finally I told her I knew everything. She would not confess about being in the park until I told her I saw them together. Then she said all they did was talk.

I called our friend the next day and asked him the same questions. He lied. When I told him what I knew, he could hardly talk. My wife said she would call our friend and tell him not to call her anymore. He wasn't supposed to know I was listening, but it sounded like they talked beforehand and got their story straight.

Before this she hardly ever wanted sex, and I had to ask. Now she is all over me. She won't show me her phone records from work or her work cell phone. She says they would be hard to get, but she is the facility coordinator, so she can get just about anything.

I love my wife, but only want the truth. We can work through this if only she will be honest. I guess my question would be if you think they had something going on.

Frank

Frank, you are thinking in terms of holding on to your wife and saving your marriage. You are thinking in those terms because you were not doing anything to end the marriage. But she was.

She is approaching the situation from a totally different direction. She was looking at another relationship, and possibly, her next marriage. Why has she lied? Because if you knew the whole truth, it would not be to her advantage. Whatever happens, she wants to have happen on her timetable, not yours.

If she won't give you phone records, it must be for the same reason. It is not to her advantage. In her mind your truth does not exist, her justifications do. The longer she holds you off, the muddier the details become, and the more power that goes to her hands. You were in the strongest position the night you confronted her.

We know this sounds hard, but what other interpretation is possible from the facts you gave us? She didn't expect to get caught, so she will drag her feet until she figures out what she wants to do. In the meantime, she will act the perfect wife.

When it comes to explaining this to friends, she will give her version of the truth. Your heart needs to catch up to what your head knows. A simple factual account, you will never get from her. Without the truth, you won't be able to solve why this happened.

Wayne & Tamara