I have been very close friends with a woman for 25 years. We've been friends through marriages and divorces, children and careers. Though we live miles apart, we kept in contact and visited one another every month or two.

That is, we did until a year ago when she met a man and started a relationship with him. When she began going with this man, she completely blocked me from her life. It hurt very badly. Now she's called and wants to come to town to introduce this man to her father, and to see me.

I haven't seen her since this past summer when we were on vacation. Several years ago she decided to vacation where my husband, kids, and I vacation. She did not ask me, she just booked a cottage at the same place and told me a week before vacation.

I saw her there this summer with her boyfriend, but she was distant and did not want all of us to spend time together. In fact, she was somewhat of a snot. I am happy she has someone because her marriage was difficult and painful. It just seems to me we could have all been friends together.

I don't want to be bitter, but she has been reckless with my feelings. I tried to talk with her about all of this last summer, but she was determined to have things her way. I thought I had gotten over it, but I see that I have not.

Now, she wants to visit. She sets all the terms, and I'm tired of it. I think we should not resume the friendship. As far as vacation goes, I'd pretty much treat her as I would other people vacationing there, friendly but not personal.

Am I taking care of myself, or being too rigid?

Hermione


Hermione, last summer Wayne met a man who quit his job of 20 years. The job paid well and he enjoyed it, but when his company was bought out by another, he had to learn a different way of doing things.

Though he wasn't singled out for special or unfair treatment, the new practices irritated him. He complained constantly. One day his boss said, "If it bothers you so much, why don't you just quit?" "I think I'll do just that," the man said, and out the door he went.

The man told Wayne how much he regretted his rash decision. Neither job he's held since compares to his old job in money or personal satisfaction.

Twenty-five year friendships don't grow on trees. Before calling a halt to this one, consider a few things. Your friend hurt you deeply, but that was not her intent. She was intensely trying to have a man in her life. Adding a new relationship, something had to give. That something was your time together.

Now her relationship is solid, and she wants to resume your valued friendship. That is what you wanted last summer. That is all she wants now. It sounds like a meeting of minds.

There is no reason to act rashly. Pause and let your relationship seek its own level. Emerson said, "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." She knows she was "stupid" last summer. Give her a chance to undo it.

Tamara